11 Things I’ll Never Do as Well as My Mom

My grandmother, mom, me, and my sister in 2002. And yes, this was before I had discovered the magic of a Chi hair straightener.
  • Wrap presents: If you’ve received a wrapped gift from me that had perfect, crisp edges, just the right amount of lined-up paper, and beautiful ends, my mom wrapped it for me. My gift wrapping involves too much paper, scrappy looking ends, and probably too much tape.
  • Sew: I don’t think I’ll ever be good at using a sewing machine. Or hemming my own pants. She does that for me all the time since the world caters to tall people.
  • Draw and paint: I’m a writer and a photographer, but not a painter and my drawings could never live up.
  • Cut fruit and vegetables: I just suck at it.
  • Make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches: She has the peanut butter to jelly ratio down.
  • Fold fitted sheets: When I do it it’s just a blob of sheet.
  • Clean up cat vomit: I just can’t, not without gagging 3000 times. This is probably because she’s been a mom for 38 years and has cleaned up after my sister and I all these years, like when I got a stomach flu a few months ago and accidentally threw up in my bed (attractive, I know).
  • Cook a huge holiday meal: I don’t think I’ll ever be that great at multitask cooking.
  • Screenprint: My few weeks stint as screenprinter taught me it’s ridiculously hard work. I’m slow and not that great at getting crisp-looking prints. She can print 1000 polishing cloths a day.
  • Drink coffee: I’ll never be able to drink it just straight-up black.
  • Load the dishwasher: She has magical re-arranging powers.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!




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